Worse by the Minute

It’s all done. I’m done trying with the exams and the admissions. I can safely say that most of it did not go according to plan. I wasted (invested) 2 years trying to get in to a premier school for my further education. This is an achievement by itself. One never imagined that I would actually come so far. Forget getting into a college, from the times I’ve seen, having the chance to be eligible to even write the exams is a fair achievement. Exams done, got a call from one college that was on my list, interview done…and now begins the worst part, the waiting!

I’m patiently waiting for the verdict. This feeling seems to be getting progressively worse with every passing minute. A lot of people say that it’s moments like these that make true champions of people. I don’t like it one bit. I’m in a weird place where my concern for others is starting to diminish with every minute. I’m experiencing more and more moments of phasing out and staring into space. I suddenly find myself sitting doing nothing but staring at the computer screen. It’s been a good 6 minutes. It’s becoming tough to focus on work and churn out quality stuff. The guitar tunes are going all awry. I can’t seem to focus on the sniping at Counter Strike. This is getting bad. Is it just me, or do I see grey hair sprouting every morning?

I don’t talk…there doesn’t seem to be any thought behind the words coming out of my mouth. Most of it is just chatter. Sleep cycles getting worse. Even a spoon of Benydryl  cough syrup is not helping. Even the tons of alcohol we had at the get-together last weekend not helping. Mind is so pre-occupied with waiting for the final verdict that nothing seems to be real now. It all feels like a perpetual hang over.

Will I get in or not? Did I say the right things? Did I give them the right impression? Did I come off as arrogant or self confident? Oh Christ! This is the worst feeling ever. You always feel like throwing up. Music does not seem to have the same effect. You don’t take too lightly to human behavior and are less forgiving of people. Your mind functions on a separate track from your heart. And with every passing minute, I feel more and more like ripping my heart out. Maybe that’ll stop these pangs of anxiety. I do believe this is the first time I’ve gone through this. I’ve normally always been happy-go-lucky and fairly nonchalant about everything. But this is something I’ve never gone through. Maybe it’s a right of passage of some sort.

Am sure many of you have sort of ‘been there felt that’ at some point in time. Sincere request for honest prayers that it clicks now for me!