The low-rise jeans Chronicles

I have just a week before I leave Bangalore and home for the first time. Obviously, inexperienced in the field of staying in a hostel, I’m doubling up on everything. While taking stock of what more clothes I would need, there arose a necessity for a pair of jeans. Recession is quite understandably taking its toll on my already meager savings. I did the most unusual thing and decided it would be prudent to buy my jeans at one of the factory outlets. 

Bad decision. Really bad decision. Especially taking into consideration the fact that I have this waist size that neither qualifies me in with the general junta nor with the unfortunate over-sized junta. Bloody fence-sitter. Every factory outlet I go, they only sell low rise jeans. This is a terrible idea, especially for the …ahem….largely-built people like yours truly. Low-rise jeans fit around your waist in an embarrassing fashion. I’m not going to even get started on how they accentuate the hind region and make me look more like a hippopotamus. I’m better off taping a sticker that says ‘watch out…wide load’ to my butt.

Every pair I check, every brand I check, low rise….low rise…low rise. The shop attendant has the nerve to tell me, “Sir. You buy this. Buy one get one free. This is latest fashion. Ladies and gents buy it”. My response was a cold stare. It was enough to drive home the point. Why do designers keep forgetting that there is a huge contingent of us largely built people who would also like to look good? And not at the cost of creating a separate section for us labeled with a huge sign that says ‘Plus size clothing’. Am sure it’s a scam by all these thin anorexic and in-vogue people to get all the large people together at one place so that you can point and laugh.

Go ahead you skinnies. But my people will survive the next ice age. We just might feast on your kind. Mankind survived because of fat-hairy people like me. It’s thanks to them that you size zero and size one scoundrels can wear your designer clothes and Prada boots and make us buy crap at the plus size section. Just wait and watch. I’ll finish my marketing degree and will join fashion retailing and make plus size clothing the norm. I’ll make it difficult for you size 30 waist people to get a decent joint in my town. Muhahaha!!! ( Singing like Audrey Hepburn… ‘Just you wait...all you skinnies…just you wait….’)

Is a guy asking for too much if all he wants are a decent pair of plain jeans ? We ask not for colour or design...plain old jeans. I dont mind owning 3 of the same colour. It won't ruin my day. As though the low-rise jeans were not enough, whatever did fit was faded in the most ghastly fashion. One pair of light blue jeans had a dark blue patch right down the center, it looked as though my dear parental unit forgot to teach me bladder control. Whatever happened to good old plain jeans? Alas, I ended up going to the brand outlet and paying full price. This was after the shop assistant looked me up and down, and escorted me to a shelf where there were the all so familiar good old-school plain jeans…. Sniff! I’m not sure which is sadder; the fact that I paid full price or the fact that - normal jeans might be extinct by the time I buy another pair.

PS: Don't give me gyan on 'weight loss'....I'll never join you anorexic people...never!!!