True Lies...

I’m sure most of you folks on facebook have seen the grad speech by the guy who commends mediocrity in all its glory. I’m taken back to a lot of the resumes I’ve read over the years about how people try to market themselves to companies. Most resumes will have lines such as “ I am self-motivated, eager to work and am looking to make a difference to the top line of the company”. We all obviously know the person is kidding….their only motivation to join your company is either the fat paycheck that you give them at the end of the month or the fact that you are close to their home. Try not paying them for a month, we’ll see how god damn motivated they are. Such folks are normally the pioneers of threads such as ‘ Loyalty=pay” on the company discussion boards. And let’s not even talk about the ‘eager to work’ bit.

“I am a natural go-getter, known for taking initiative, being perseverant and have been commended for my hard work”. How does one get commended for ‘hard work’? Did your previous boss come and stick a golden sticker on your forehead? And what the hell is a ‘Natural go-getter’? Are their unnatural go-getters? Are you organic or something, while the others were synthesized in a lab? And asking women out (and not scoring) does not count as ‘known for taking initiative’. It’s almost hilarious as to how people write their resumes with all these little adjectives that they picked off their friend’s resume and are using as their own. I even remember this incident where one dude went up to the other, the evening before his interview and said, “Tell me what you are good at? If they ask this tomorrow, I need to have an answer.” Perfect ‘facepalm’ moment. I can even accept these resumes provided people are applying for jobs that require skills like being aggressive, a go-getter, great communication skills….you know, jobs like sales. But the job one is applying for is ‘minion software engineer’….. so why the hell do you need to be a natural born leader for this job?

And the worst part is companies hiring people for such jobs where all they are meant to do is follow orders issued from the top and not question, want all these dynamic-thinking-natural born leader types? Why would you get someone like Napoleon or Alexander the Great and put them in a cubicle and make them listen to your corporate ‘strategy’ (yet another over-rated word). What you need is an unmotivated, lonely, moderately knowledgeable person to enter data from column A in the Excel sheet to column B. I remember seeing an ad in the paper for a company’ Looking for young, enthusiastic, eager to work, well qualified person to head the desk at the reception’. Enthusiastic? Seriously? And how does it matter if they are young or not? It’s not like you need Emma Watson forwarding calls to your CEO.

What I’d love to see is an honest job-description to which one sends an honest resume.’ Wanted: well qualified person to work in our department. Kindly note, the work is mundane and will not help you develop anything more than a personality of a snail, yet we need you to be qualified so that it makes us look good in front of the client. We really don’t care too much for your opinion as we believe we are intellectually superior human beings, but you may occasionally whimper at team meetings. Yes, we will pay you well. Why? Because we can. And in return for the money we pay, we hope you hang around and help us with our corporate mission and vision statements. If that is not possible, the least we expect is that you don’t surf porn during office hours.’

Response: ‘ I am a mediocre fellow from an unknown engineering college in a branch that I am not too sure of. I really did not have a clue of what to do with my life back then, and the story has not changed, hence I chose engineering. The only reason I want to work is to get money to buy computer games and don’t have to ask dad for money for booze. I expect you to pay me more as time goes by so that I may buy things I really don’t need. I am not a go-getter and will not express my opinion at meetings. I hear your company sends people abroad, so I am joining with the hope of going some day.’

I must admit that I too am a bit of a cynic, because my resume also contains words like go-getter, excellent communication skills, well-rounded personality, and all those little keywords that make companies think they are hiring the next best thing after sliced bread. However, I am serious about the ‘well-rounded’ part….dear future employer; please ensure your chairs don’t have arm-rests that cut into my rather large butt when I’m sitting down.It is not expected that I will lose weight ever. Instead, I will launch a counter campaign against thin people mocking case that does not work, I will spam their mailbox and ensure it crashes.

Anyone else have any interesting resume stories? Or strategy to make the life of thin people at the office not so friendly?