I’ve got a feeling…

…that tonight’s going to be such a good night! This probably isn’t a song you want running on your ipod (or Zune…you Microsoft bastards) while travelling by air in the USA. Now don’t jump to conclusions that my company made a lot of money and sent me there, and then mail me to bring you chocolates and iphone 4. This following post comes out of the big debate going on world-wide regarding the newly found P.O.A (Perves of America) aka the TSA. For the uninitiated, the TSA (Transport Security Administration) are a bunch of pervs who grope people at airport…kind of like an employed version of pervs on Delhi or Chennai buses looking to grope women. Their job is to literally pat you down, and I don’t mean like the fellow at the PVR entrance who frisks you for ciggies. They apparently have been authorized to put their hands wherever they want on you.

And this isn’t limited to the kind of search you see on all these perfume ads where a lady cop in rather tight clothing frisks a guy who suddenly opens his shirt to show off washboard abs and she allows him through security, even though he robbed the ATM outside the airport. This involves groping of grannies, fat hairy men, fat hairy ladies, and even kids. And it is outright weird….especially from the reports coming on the news and the net, the whole process is outright twisted. Apparently, they’re frisking for everything….imagine, you could be hiding a block of C4 up your butt or precariously caressing a Walther ppk gun down your bra. That’s how those terrorists do it apparently.

Dear Moron at the TSA, the last time you got screwed, they used an airplane. I cannot hide an airplane on me. No one can. If they want to smuggle guns in, they just go down to the friendly neighborhood nigga and get one. He’ll probably throw in some crack too. People smuggling drugs would have it up their butts…same with diamonds. Only an idiot would keep it in plain sight. AK 47s don’t sell as much as Ingrams do. I’m sure you’re gun pimp can get you one of that as well. So feeling up grandma’s and kids isn’t really helping anyone. Think about it. Also, PS: my extensive knowledge in these matters comes from the many Hollywood movies I see, which you guys make. The only smuggling I have ever done was a pencil box with formulae on the underside into the internal test hall during engineering. I was caught , I don’t know to cheat.

How does one recruit people for this sort of a job? Do they have to undergo some sort of boot camp? What does the recruitment ad look like? Wanted: “ People who would like to get in touch with other people. Must have soft hands. Preferred use of moisturizer and aloe vera cream. In the business of making others ‘feel good’ about themselves. Matter of national concern. People with granny,chubby and foot fetishes would be given preference. If you are a pedophile, we’ve got the next best legal thing for you. If you’re gay, there is no better forum to help you come out of the closet. Uncle Sam wants you….to feel him!”

I also hear that apparently, at the end of the experience they give you a ‘customer satisfaction’ card. WTF? Satisfaction card? ‘Kindly rate how our experienced personnel groped you…very poor…poor…fair…good…excellent’, ‘ Did our personnel greet you with a smile?’,‘ Do you wish to sign up for our special services gold membership where we will ensure our personnel wear rubber gloves? Our platinum membership would have our personnel grope you with silk gloves?’ First and foremost, how the hell am I a customer? Did I pay for this? Was it part of my ticket cost? If you outsource these operations to India, will the cost of service get lowered?

Personally, I think this is America being paranoid. And I still fail to see how this improves homeland security. Giving the devil their due, I think they can plan enough to get around the extremely, trained and qualified TSA squad. It’s all part of a government conspiracy to keep it’s citizens and tourists in a perpetual state of fear so they can do as they wish. I’m right now dreading any trips to the US. I thought the shoe-removing bit was weird enough. And now to have a weird guy feel me up, eeewwwww! PS: I will not complain if hot lady cop with tight shirt (like in the axe deo ads) wants a piece of the real estate.

On another note, they can sign up Katrina Kaif as spokesperson. She did that, 'Zara zara touch me touch me' song from Race. I was going to say Michael Bolton ( Anyone remember his hit song 'Can I touch you there?'), but known fact that women spokespersons are more believable.

2nd Greatest Inheritance

True Lies...