To Kate & William

Dear Kate & William,
First and foremost, thanks a ton for the wedding invite. But unfortunately, as you would have noticed, I was not present at the wedding. There are many reasons to this, the primary reason being financial. You see, I made a bit of a boo-boo on the savings bit and really could not afford to fly down there for the weekend.Besides, I've got way too many weddings to attend again and need to prioritize.You guys did not make the cut.

My blessings are with you. It’s a good thing you put the ‘No gifts please’ bit on the invite. I did not enjoy the weekend locked up in the Tower of London when I got a Parker pen as a joke for Camilla Aunty. (PS: William, I was planning on getting you a pen too…William Penn…get it? No?)

I did catch the wedding on the tele though. I know I was first choice to perform songs at the wedding, but Liz Aunty wanted Elton John, and we all know that we don’t get on her wrong side. She might tell MI5 to send an agent after me. Speaking of that, why was James Bond not invited? Anyway, I sincerely hope Elton does not perform a third version of ‘Candle in the Wind’. He did tweet that he was looking at doing some Iron Maiden covers. Can you guys get him to come down and do some llayaraja covers if and when I get married?

Will, if you were going to make fun of the Irish guards that stand outside the palace and wear that bright red tunic, you could have at least gone the whole way and worn the fuzzy hat too. Or is that reserved for the honeymoon? (wink wink…you naughty boy you). Kate, sweety, you looked gorgeous as always. Too bad it never worked out between us. I’m guessing with all things equal between Will and I, it was the glasses I wear which tilted things in his favour. This was part of the reason I was not keen on making it to the wedding – history and all that. Come to think of it, it’s good that you went with Will. I do not wish to be tied down by all this wedding business so early in life.

I’m going to miss the delicious spread at your wedding, especially the smoked salmon. If you guys wanted to have some real fun instead of trying to be different with all this ‘going against tradition’ business, you should have served everyone south Indian food on a banana leaf. So much for being the duke of anything. You fellows better learn to eat by hand when you come over to my house.

Anyway, my best wishes with you two. Please don’t make a sex video of your honeymoon. These things always find their way to the internet. Tell Harry we need to meet up and get drunk. The last time was fun, we spooked the ghost at the Windsor Castle. Ask Uncle Charlie, how the radio reception on his ears are? Is he still picking up those E.T sounds? I’m telling you, it’s that Kamina(Camilla) lady who is messing with his head. Tell Liz to take it easy. I rather enjoyed her ‘I am Tweety bird’ get up for the wedding. Cheers!

The Dark Prince

PS: We did not have a public holiday here for the wedding. Being an erstwhile colony, we should have at least been given an optional holiday. Please tell those blokes at No.10 to speak to our blokes. Cheerio!