It wasn't me who started it...it was a because of a girl!

I know…I know…it’s been many weeks since the last blog post. Year ending, year starting, all that corporate stuff. There has been much ‘getting on top and going deeper’ sort of discussions going on. Besides that, I’ve been having friends and relatives over and not finding much time to write. My apologies, this is exactly the kind of thing my boss tells me to avoid. “Think of what is urgent and what is important”….and I don’t quite remember the rest. Anyway, I’ve been moved into a new role at work where I am now the marketing in-charge for India. (Kindly clap) Part of me wants to jump for joy, and the other part (the fun one that dreams to be a full time paid guitar-song-writer-blogger type person) just wants to breakdown and cry.

I had a close friend who stayed with us for a bit before he shipped out to another country to make his fortune there. One of the evenings, all of us went out to dinner. During the course of the conversation my friend asks if I was truly a bully in school that I claimed to be. I know…I know….you’re going, “Nikhilesh, a bully???!?!?!?! What the ….. No chance!!! Such a benevolent soul….looks like a ferocious grizzly bear, but is actually warm and fuzzy like a panda “…… yes folks, I carry a dark passenger, one that was violent and would bully everyone. This was not limited to younger kids or classmates, but even students in the higher classes for which I have sufficiently been beaten up, but won most fights thanks to size.

I had forgotten this, but it turns out that the bully I am is all thanks to my parents and this one girl. (Everyone reads the word ‘girl’…reads it again…and now reads more intently). Here’s the story…it will come in handy when they make a life time documentary about me…like ‘Hannibal Rising’. When I was a child, until the age of around 6-7, whenever it came to someone picking on me, or even beating me up, I would never react. Not because I am Gandhian or anything, but mostly out of fear that if I were to beat up the other guy, and something were to happen to him, my parents would give me the sound thrashing of my life. These are the same fears that I share with my other life idol Dr. Bruce Banner….aka the hulk.

One day, at school, in class 3, one of the senior girls had invited me for her birthday party. For whatever reason, I was unable to go. The next day, this girl caught me at school, pushed me to the ground, sat on top of me and began whacking me. (Don’t get any kinky ideas….it’s class 3) And I being the gentle soul that I am took the beating. The girl even had the audacity to ask me where her birthday gift was. Being a sucker when it came to women (that was back then) I got her the gift next day. All would have been fine. The violence could have ended there, but then I had to ask, “Now that I got you your birthday present, where’s the return gift?”

Clearly, I didn’t know much about women about 18 years ago, matters have not changed since. I was subject to another sitting on top and being given a sound beating. When the school reported this home, my folks asked me why I never defended myself. My reasons were simple - ’the fear of being admonished at home’. Now this is the inflection point…. My parents told me that if anyone were to hit me, I had every right to hit them back, but never to throw the first punch.

My poor parents, they had no clue what they created. Armed with what can only be described as 007’s license to kill, I managed to talk me way into a fight and leave with a fair number of scars inflicted on others. I once even broke a guy’s hand because he was messing with me. The bullying continued until college. It became way too easy after that. It has been a while since I’ve gotten into a fist fight, but I know, somewhere inside, the dark passenger waits for the moment to show himself.

My friend who asked the question didn’t know what to say, so he conveniently started laughing at the fact that I got beat-up by a girl. Well, he’s getting married….hahaha!

Anyway, the point is that it was a girl that made me this violent, angry, sarcastic person. And for some reason, that’s so cool. It’s almost like Randhir Kapoor in ‘Rockstar’. I’ve now got my own personal woman related trauma that changed my life. I can now write dark songs about it and what not. Killer lyrics like “You sat on me and bet me up…you made me the beast I am”….ok, ignore those lyrics, I can write something much better (and something that sounds less vulgar), but then isn’t it cool? Come to think of it, if we had Facebook back then and if I had stayed in touch with that girl, who knows where it could have gone? Maybe she secretly liked me or something….kuch bhi ho sakta tha! Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind every violent man, there is a girl who beat him up in school!

PS: Any HR reading this for reference, or background checks, I have been clean and non-violent for over 10 years now. I choose sarcasm, blogging and tweeting to get back at people now. You can try to deal with that by blocking social media websites at the work place, but I have a phone with 3G. 

PPS: I am excellent at bringing comedy to corporate brochures and other marketing collateral, no matter how pedestrian your product or services....please note that in the relevant forms.